Wisdom from a chaplain...

Thanks for Saying Nothing

The spirituality of those who care for the dying must be the spirituality of the companion, of the friend who walks alongside, helping, sharing, and sometimes just sitting, empty-handed, when he would rather run away. It is the spirituality of presence, of being alongside, watchful, available, or being there.

~Shelia Cassidy


What people need most is for others to ‘hang in there’ in their anguish and suffering. I am convinced that those who ask these questions know there are no answers. But they have seen people who can’t handle the anxiety this creates simply leave them in their confusion. Healing takes place by staying with it while others run away.

No words, no platitudes, no biblical quotation can take the pain away. But the fact is people already know that there is nothing you can say. It is already part of our common humanity. And they have seen others turn away, embarrassed by their uselessness. Anyone who moves towards that broken person, and is not repulsed by their cries or their own sense of inadequacy – who, as I have said, is prepared to step over the threshold of the place they inhabit – gives confidence that they do have something to offer at moments of utter despair and reassurance that all is not lost.

It is not the voice which says: ‘Don’t just stand there, do something’ which needs to be heeded. It is the voice which says: ‘Don’t do something, don’t even say anything, just stand there, sit there, be there, in their need.’ And it works.

~Tom Gordon, chaplain with the Marie Curie hospice in Edinburgh, and a member of the Iona Community.


Dear Joyce,

Thank you so much for coming to see me tonight. I know it wasn’t easy for you, because you’ve had your own struggles to face recently. But you came – and so many others haven’t bothered. Thanks for the hug, and the tears. I needed to cry with you, and I’m so glad you weren’t stiff and awkward like some have been. And thanks for saying nothing, and allowing the silence to help. I don’t need words. I’ve heard platitudes till I could scream. I just needed to be held by someone who understood, and to feel safe again. I wish there were more people like you, people who were human and who didn’t try too hard. I really felt God was with us when you were here.

Thank you for all you’ve done to help me when I needed it most. I hope I can be as understanding and do the same for you some day.

With much love,
Edith

~From Tom Gordon



Paynter, Neil. Growing Hope: Daily Readings. Glasgow: Wild Goose Publications, 2006.