One confused body...

It seems to me that the plight of a seminarian is to doubt, to ask questions, to wonder, to wrestle, to imagine, and in the end come to some kind of new reality. Actually, that seems to be the plight of everyone, but when you put enough theological graduate students together on one campus these questions seem to be magnified 100x. One of the most common questions is "What am I doing here?" As I talk with other students I hear this question coming up again and again but not usually explicitly. I'm going to generalize here but it feels as though that question seems to stem from some core issues. We don't feel smart enough. We have no idea what direction our lives will take after seminary. We don't know what questions to ask, or if we do have questions they either don't seem valid or the appropriate space or time to voice them doesn't seem to present itself. We tend to be feel completely alone, like the odd one out, and yet I think that we're all in the same boat--the thing that could bond us is keeping us apart.

These ponderings had been in the back of my mind since the beginning of September but really came to the fore this week as I was attempting to write a paper on the similarities and differences between Deuteronomistic History and Chronicles, and their implications. I have a background in psychology and here I am studying Bible/theology. The language is different, the way of thinking is different, and the research is different. I was told last week by another student that I have a huge advantage because I grew up in the church and I also minored in Biblical and Theological Studies in my undergrad, which is true, but I still feel out of the loop. When I listen to other students articulate their thoughts in class they seem to have it all together. When fellow classmates speak out of their pastoral experience I feel like I have a long way to go in understanding. And yet, when I commented to someone about how I didn't have a clue whether or not my contribution to a class discussion was relevant he said that he sat across the room and was feeling the same way in light of what I had contributed. Are we all just a group of people, attempting to speak the right language or articulate lofty ideas when really we just want to ask the questions that are on our minds? Maybe this is a Mennonite fault (some call it humility), but why is it that we don't feel smart enough to be here? And how can I contribute to the creation of a space here at seminary where we can all doubt and question and wonder together?